Foot Frustration, Anger and Forgiving

I have been extremely frustrated since this foot mess started back in April – it has brought back a lot of really bad memories that I thought I had somehow managed to bury.  I ended up taking my bandages off on Sunday because my foot was so dry.  I have spent more time crying than not ever since then.  I didn’t want to post the picture here because it is gross, but if you really want to see it, then you can click here.  Although I have been thru a lot worse, going thru this has been really hard and frustrating.

I wrote most of this yesterday then pretty much changed the whole thing this morning other than the first paragraph.

DoctorI went to the doctor that I see for my foot on Tuesday.  I will call him Dr. W (for wounds) because he specializes in wounds.  Back in January, I wrote about some of the struggles that I have had because of the wound I went thru.  In that post, I wrote about the conversation that I had with Dr. W when I first went to see him and he told me that my foot should have been fixed prior to my doing HBO – Dr. W was one of the doctor’s in HBO at the wound center at Ohio Valley General Hospital and that is where I first met him.  What he didn’t know was that I had a conversation with Dr. K, who did the surgery on my foot, prior to my starting HBO.  After I had an x-ray, Dr. K saw that the material in my foot had slipped and he even wondered if that was what was preventing my foot from closing.

After Dr. W told me that my foot should have been fixed prior to my doing HBO, I have really been haunted by that conversation I had with Dr. K.  He never once suggested my foot should have been fixed until about a year after it closed.  There is no way emotionally that I can put myself thru something like that again so I know I am stuck with what I have.  I also don’t know that I could ever find enough trust in a doctor to go thru something like that again either.  I hate to use the words “stuck with” because I am grateful that I have my leg today.  But even though I am grateful for having my leg, I am also angry because I know that my foot should have been fixed and it wasn’t.

I have only been able to come up with two explanations for why Dr. K did not suggest having surgery to fix my foot when he knew the material had slipped and was probably causing my foot to not close up.  My foot had actually closed prior to the third surgery when he put the bone graft in.  When I was going to the wound center, I was on Medicaid – you can’t get on Medicare or any supplemental plans until you have been on disability for two years.  I truly believe that Dr. K did not want to do surgery because of my being on Medicaid.  He didn’t get paid very much from Medicaid to do that surgery.

I originally saw one of the other doctors from the wound center at that doctor’s office before going to the wound center – that doctor wanted Dr. K to do my surgery.  The week following the discussion with Dr. K about the bone material slipping, he told me that he talked to Dr. C.  That is when they decided to do the HBO.  I was technically Dr. C’s patient.  He was the one trying to get the HBO program off the ground – it officially started after I became a patient there and they didn’t have very many patients in it when I started.  It is possible that Dr. C out-voted Dr. K on the surgery and wanted the HBO instead.  Dr. K once called Dr. C an HBO monster.

I can’t come up with any other explanations other than one of them was a greedy bastard.  My best interests certainly were not considered because I was never given the option of fixing my foot.  A foot that should have been fixed prior to my starting HBO.  Had my foot been fixed, I would not be having some of the problems that I have today.  Now I either get to live with a foot that is going to cause problems for the rest of my life or go thru a surgery and recovery that I know I can’t put myself thru because of what I have already been thru.

After my conversation with Dr. W on Tuesday (he brought up something new that I had not thought about), I came home and read thru my files from the wound center again – I have read thru them numerous times before but I think I finally read thru them with different eyes.  Eyes that finally saw the truth.  I used to believe that I had my leg because of Dr. K.  I thought that I went from a really bad doctor that cut off my antibiotics and caused my leg to get worse when he knew I had an infection to a really good doctor that saved my leg.

Sadly it was Dr. K that totally took away my trust in doctors.  Sad because even when I decided to switch doctors, I truly believed that he was a good doctor.  Now there are too many questions about what happened to believe that he was a good doctor.

The truth is, it was not Dr. K that saved my leg – it was God.  God decided that I would get to keep my leg.  It wouldn’t have mattered whether Dr. K was a horrible surgeon or a great one – God was the one that directed everything that happened.

There might be legitimate answers to my questions that put things in a different light.  I know that I will never get the answers to my questions.  I know that I will never know the truth about what really happened.  I know that I need to accept what happened and put it behind me.   I am afraid that every time something happens, it is just going to open up all these old wounds, both literally and figuratively.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that I need to forgive myself for trusting in someone who doesn’t appear to have deserved that trust.  He let me down big time. I know I need to forgive myself before I am truly able to forgive Dr. K for the things that he did.  I need to accept that I will never get the answers that I deserve to know.

CoffinI need to put a nail in that coffin for good.  I need to quit allowing what happened to keep coming back and haunting me.  I need to turn the page and put the past behind me.




4 thoughts on “Foot Frustration, Anger and Forgiving

  1. Oh Kelly, I am so sorry you are going through all of this now and that the old trauma with your foot still haunts you so. I’m sorry you have lost your trust in doctors. I hope you know how strong you are and how much you are helping so many just by telling this story. I’ll keep sending good thoughts your way, my friend.

  2. “and you don’t feel much like ridin’, you just wish the trip was through” –what an absolutely perfect song, Kelly. Eerie and emotive. I had to play it twice.
    Good gosh, what a tangled mess of circumstances and emotions. How can we work with a dr that we don’t trust? The necessity to constantly be one’s own advocate is exhausting. Thank goodness you are intelligent and informed.
    I really hate to think of a doc not doing a procedure for a Medicaid patient because the pay is less. But, face it, money talks. (Or as Dylan put it, “money doesn’t talk, it swears obscenities”.)
    I’d just love to turn my back and walk away from the entire medical system. But, of course, as someone who needs frequent maintenance care and evaluation, we cannot.
    So at this point, what is the care plan for the foot? Do you still have to stay off it? Are you needing to do the HBO treatments? One man at dialysis had to do them. There is only one place in the Twin Cities that has a chamber, at the trauma hospital where I went with my ruptured spleen.
    Stay strong, my friend. Pink candle for you tonight.

    • Thanks Kathy! That song was originally a Bob Seger song but I kind of like the Metallica version better.

      I think it is hard to work with a doctor that we don’t trust, but the more stuff that happens, the less I trust them (if that is even possible at this point!). I would like to walk away also but they have us chained to our insulin!

      I ended up taking the bandages off over the weekend – my cast protector sprung a leak and forced the issue! There is no HBO in my future (at least I hope not!). I am staying off of it. I go back to the doctor later this week and we will see what he says. I had my sister bring my wheelchair back downstairs – makes sucking up cat hair easier!

      I appreciate the pink candles – I can use all the help I can get!

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